Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
Re: Trying to reconcile with BPD spouse. I should also add that over the last week, we have spent time together on 7 different occasions and each time, it has been very positive. I think that she just has a very difficult time overcoming the fear of potential abandonment in the future. Offline Gender: What is your sexual orientation: Straight Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner Posts: It is good that the two of you have been having positive interactions with each other.
How long have you and your wife been married? Have you ever asked her to leave before this latest episode? Have you had much chance to read through the lessons? One thing about trust is that it doesn't take much too loose but takes a lot to get back. Telling somebody to leave over a misunderstanding is kind of a big deal. If you have a misunderstanding with her in the future, how do you plan on handling it differently?
It is easy to say that you will never do something again. It is a little more difficult to follow through, especially when emotions are high and not thinking straight. Please don't take me saying that as judgment. I am saying it because I have been there. I have told myself that I would never do something again only to find myself doing it again because I overestimated my own abilities.
I am human. I am going to mess up. And, sometimes, I find myself doing things again because I wasn't honest with myself about how much I was hurt or bothered by the things that my husband did.
You can't sweep your stuff under the rug and hope it goes away. Both of you want to get back together. That is awesome. Is there some kind of plan in place that will help the two of you from repeating this stuff again? We have been married for a little over 2. I have never asked her to leave before. I have read through most of the lessons. I agree that trust is very hard to get back once it is lost.
The reason why I told her to leave is because I had been hearing about how a new co-worker was so much fun, he was cute, and that he reminded her a lot of me when we first started dating. She had been sharing stories with me about him for a few weeks before she calls me on her way home from being with him until 11PM on a Monday night.
I was a little tipsy and I told her to leave. The next day I realized that they had been texting and talking on the phone A LOT for the previous week At the very least it was emotional, she admits that, and even if it was more than that, it doesn't matter because the hurt is still there.
We tried to get back together 2 weeks into the separation. We stay together for a few days and then I see that she was still talking to this guy that she said she would stop talking to. I don't tell her to leave, and I move out. I realize that I have blame in this.
I jumped to conclusions and even though they were right, I did the worst thing I could by telling her to leave. That is the worst part about it all. She said that she just wants me to date other people, go to therapy, and enjoy my life and maybe she will be able to fix herself in time and we will be able to get back together I realize that this could just be her way of trying to gently let me go bit by bit, but part of me also realizes that she isn't very severe BPD and she could be genuinely trying to get better so that she can be with me again.
Quote from: turbo squash on July 21, , AM. Offline Gender: What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner Posts: Whoa turbo squash, I happen to remember your initial posts here and the very detailed description you gave at the time.
Misunderstanding is not the word I would use to describe things. I would suggest you slow down. Really slow down. There is no time frame for healing issues of these types. And I would also suggest you make an effort to gain clarity about what a relationship with your wife will look like in terms of trust. From here it looks like there were breaches of trust on both sides of the relationship. What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
Some people change after giving up a negative coping skill, such as alcohol. Other people change when they go on medications--for example, my mother went on medications for menopause and became a lot more emotionally stable. Still others change after a religious experience--my parents both committed their lives to God when I was 18, and the difference was noticeable.
Others change in healthy relationships--my brother Dan cleaned up his live when he met his now-wife Ivy. Some people, however, refuse to change. When this is the case, it is necessary to look at the relationship and ask if it is one worth keeping.
Sometimes family is made up of people we choose to be our family. For example, I have an AA family and a church family. They're not blood relations. But they're family because we love and accept each other more than we deserve. I can't imagine my life without them. I know I can rely on them. We have to set boundaries in every relationship, but those boundaries can be flexible when a person makes an honest effort to change.
That's why I'm reconciled to my parents--they made an honest effort to change. When I was in college, some friends from church became concerned about my home life. To me, mental and emotional abuse were "normal".
But you have more power than you think. You can change the relationship by managing your own reactions, establishing firm limits, and improving communication between you and your loved one. In fact, patients with the most support and stability at home tend to show improvements sooner than those whose relationships are more chaotic and insecure. The destructive and hurtful behaviors are a reaction to deep emotional pain.
Recognizing the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder is not always easy. BPD is rarely diagnosed on its own, but often in conjunction with co-occurring disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, an eating disorder, or substance abuse.
Your family member or loved one with BPD may be extremely sensitive, so small things can often trigger intense reactions. Once upset, borderline people are often unable to think straight or calm themselves in a healthy way. They may say hurtful things or act out in dangerous or inappropriate ways. This emotional volatility can cause turmoil in their relationships and stress for family members, partners, and friends.
Learning a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder can come as a source of both relief and hope. You may find yourself putting most of your energy into the person with BPD at the expense of your own emotional needs. But this is a recipe for resentment, depression, burnout , and even physical illness. Avoid the temptation to isolate. Make it a priority to stay in touch with family and friends who make you feel good. You need the support of people who will listen to you, make you feel cared for, and offer reality checks when needed.
Give yourself permission to have a life outside of your relationship with the person with BPD. Join a support group for BPD family members. Try to avoid this pitfall.
Learn to manage stress. Many friends or family members often feel guilty and blame themselves for the destructive behavior of the borderline person. You may question what you did to make the person so angry, think you somehow deserve the abuse, or feel responsible for any failure or relapse in treatment.
The person with BPD is responsible for their own actions and behaviors. Communication is a key part of any relationship but communicating with a borderline person can be especially challenging. People in a close relationship with a borderline adult often liken talking with their loved one to arguing with a small child. People with BPD have trouble reading body language or understanding the nonverbal content of a conversation.
They may say things that are cruel, unfair, or irrational. Their fear of abandonment can cause them to overreact to any perceived slight, no matter how small, and their aggression can result in impulsive fits of rage, verbal abuse, or even violence.
The problem for people with BPD is that the disorder distorts both the messages they hear and those they try to express. Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. When you appreciate how a borderline person hears you and adjust how you communicate with them, you can help diffuse the attacks and rages and build a stronger, closer relationship.
If your loved one is raging, verbally abusive, or making physical threats, now is not the time to talk. Listen actively and be sympathetic. Avoid distractions such as the TV, computer, or cell phone. Try not to interrupt or redirect the conversation to your concerns. Focus on the emotions, not the words. The feelings of the person with BPD communicate much more than what the words he or she is using. Listen to the emotion your loved one is trying to communicate without getting bogged down in attempting to reconcile the words being used.
Try to make the person with BPD feel heard. Do your best to stay calm, even when the person with BPD is acting out. Avoid getting defensive in the face of accusations and criticisms, no matter how unfair you feel they are. Defending yourself will only make your loved one angrier.
0コメント